Today I left the house to go to a doctor's appointment. It worked out that I was able to shower and wash my hair and actually fix my hair before I left. I even wore make-up! I have been feeling like I am the only person in the world who has a newborn baby and can't get myself in order enough to stay clean and put together. I am looking at too many social media sites late at night when I'm up with baby and it appears like everyone with babies has it so easy. I know that isn't real life but when it's 3:00 in the morning and you're covered in spit up and your hair has been in the same top knot for four days straight and you've maybe had a rinse off shower in that time and you've maybe left the house once for a quick hour, everyone else's pictures seem to show clean, well kept moms who get to go out. They have on make-up, they're having brunch with girlfriends, they are baby wearing their newborns (I have no idea how to use any of my baby wearing devices), they do not seem to have a single care in the world.
I wondered if I looked like one of those moms today. My big adventure out meant sitting nervously at the doctor's office wondering if my child was at home screaming and crying and wanting to be fed. As soon as I was done I hurried home and that ended my day out. I did get to take a picture of myself with Maybellene. I again hoped it would make it seem like I have it together.
I'm not complaining exactly. I get to hang out with this gal and that's pretty great...
I'm just not sure when I get to start feeling like I have things in some sort of order. I'm going to a friend's shower this weekend and am taking Maybellene with me and I'm excited for an outing but am also nervous. I have no clothes to wear that are a combination of cute and breastfeeding friendly. I'm still nervous about breastfeeding in public (although I did have to breastfeed M in Target's parking lot after a stressful series of events the other day but that's a whole other story) and I have not driven with M in the car without my husband. I know once I get over this hurdle the next one will seem a lot easier.
The horrible winter weather also seems like quite a hurdle. I have always had a desire to move south, I really want to land in Nashville. Since I had Maybellene I have been fantasizing about this move more than ever. I want to get my baby out of negative degree weather and if I never see snow again I think I'll be okay with that. I have a tendency to think things like "if only (blank), (blank) will be better." So I soothe my fears by thinking "If only we lived in Nashville, my new mother fears will be better." I know, I know- that's not how things work.
Look at this cute kid I get to hang out with. She doesn't seem to care that my hair isn't clean so that's nice. I'll keep her.